Wednesday, September 3, 2008
1 last paper tmr n i will commence my 1 mth of holidays. a strange array of thoughts running through my already messed up n rusty mind in these couple of days or weeks. i dunno.. i am only quite sure that it has been ard for a long amount of time enough to be noticeable.
i am supposed to feel liberated after my exams. while at this pt in time i definitely do not see that coming. i am supposed to have to make some choices that would probably not change my life at all.. but might etch sth somewhere else. n den i am supposed to feel sth either gd or bad on myself or some other ppl. i seriously do not want to consider that.
i do not wish for my excuses to come to a halt. must i keep churning out new reasons to fend away the need to sit down n congitate ur vibes n keep mine surpressed? why must i be thrown with the right to choose?
yes it is a privilege to have many choices in ur life. to be able to make a choice... a decision... yes it is ur right. but i dont want to have dat right if it means to take away ur rights to be happy. if it means to have sleepless nights cos i have to lie in bed awake n toss n turn awake n try to outweigh the could-bes n could-not-bes... den i rather not have that right.
making a choice is like economics. opportunity costs arises. den u hav a headache cos u of cos want the best of both worlds n not give up a lil of sth to get a lil bit more of sth else. or mayb giv up a lot of sth to get a tiny winy bit of sth else. kudos to u if u caught wad i just wrote. BUT u noe u cannot have everything... u have to give up sth. u noe in life u'll nv equalize ur marginal utility. ur always insatiable.
n i must admit.. i am insatiable. i want the best of everything. well... i want everything.. call me greedy or wadeva makes u feel all dat morally good. but we all know ur just like me. i noe if i shd make a choice.. i have to give up sth else n be 'punished' with some fucking thoughts that would linger for as long as ur alive n breathing. n den i also have to keep up with ur reality checks of being sad n me being guilty. ARGH
this.is.fucked.up
now.. somebody pls tell me how to make all this go away n not haunt me till i am ready to grow up? cos i am not wanting to grow older n i do not want to make a choice. i do not want to fret wad i am running away from. i hope it nv gets to me.
for once.. i dont want my exams to come to an end.
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I guess this is a beautiful mistake too...# ;
